| CAPS LOCK: | a button which selects a rugby player for an international match. |
| Cabinet: | device for capturing a taxi driver. |
| Cannibal: | tinned peanuts. |
| Cannon: | ex-clergyman (he was fired) |
| Cantaloupe: | 1. the reason melons don't run away to get married 2. a whiny magnifying glass. |
| Cantata: | Spuds inna tin. |
| Carbolics (n): | 1. A person euphemistically making an awful mess of buying a used automobile. 2. A person addicted to charcoal-based stomach remedies. |
| Carpathian: | a fish without god. |
| Castration (n): | a pie and a pint at lunchtime for the stand-ins. |
| Catastrophe: | 1. possessive it's. 2. degeneration of feline buttocks. 3. The result of stuffing your moggy and mounting its head on the wall of your den. |
| Catceleration: | the motion of a feline in response to the sound of a can being opened. |
| Cathode: | a poem about Katherine. |
| Celibate: | the inability to reproduce such a salad. |
| Chair lift: | what Thora Hird advertised. (Yes, yes: Churchill, not Stannah....) |
| Chalcedony (n): | obsession with the fate of a Stuart monarch, as suffered by Mr Dick in Dickens' _David Copperfield_. |
| Chaplain (n): | 1. black tea served at the vicarage 2. a bloke after intercourse. |
| Chapminded: | the abrasions obtained from too much broad thinking. |
| Character: | Robert de Niro. |
| Chastenographer: | 1. a virginal typist. 2. (v) reprimand one who takes dictation. |
| Check out: | 1. to cover with squares. 2. to see if it's raining. 3. to stop Willy Out from scoring a try. |
| Chihuahua: | very subtle sound effect on electric guitar. |
| China (n): | country that tried being Greek-letter-shaped but decided it wasn't suited to it. |
| Chow Chow: | Italian for "bye bye" |
| Chrished: | obtaomed by panhandling at aorports? |
| Chronology: | same thing as Horology, but without the teeth. |
| Circumcision: | the removal of a nobleman (see Countdown, Deduction, Discount, Regicide). |
| Claw: | 1. a rule concerning scraping through exams 2. the law of averages. |
| Clog: | a reasonable report. |
| Closet socialist (n): | a friendly person who likes company while on the crapper. |
| Coaxial cable (n): | a tube through which the sound of a frog's croak is transmitted. |
| Cocker Spaniel: | specific form of bestiality. |
| Cocotte: | a warm fizzy drink. |
| Col: | see ALP. |
| Coleslaw: | regulation of fossil fuel. |
| Colonnade (n): | a fizzy enema. |
| Colorado: | what the decorator does when painting a room for a party. |
| Combat: | an aggressive marsupial. |
| Commentator (n): | an Idaho spud. |
| Commingling (n): | The sound made by one of those bells on a shop door as somebody enters. |
| Competence: | pre-event stress. |
| Complementary Pair: | My, you have such nice its! |
| Concoct: | 1. a prisoner gone wrong 2. An eight-nosed prisoner. |
| Concomitant (n): | 1. member of a jail's ruling clique 2. the prisoner has family in the French Socialist Party. |
| Concorde: | 1. an airplane built with prison labor 2. a rope (perhaps of sheets, escape, for the purpose of). |
| Concupiscence: | supplying every prisoner with a urine-sample collector. |
| Concur: | To agree to a scheme to defraud a dog. |
| Concurrent: | power for electric chair. |
| Condign: | prisoners eating appropriate food. |
| Condolence: | 1. so sad your guy is in the slammer 2. to lay about a prison cell. |
| Condom (n): | 1.Prisoner's head protector 2.Toughest prisoner on the cell-block 3. a sexual pastime of perverted prison guards. |
| Conduct (n): | a ventilation tunnel, tube, or pipe at a prison. |
| Conductor: | a prison inmate who installs/repairs heating vents. |
| Conflagration: | a limit placed on the number of pennants allowed per convict. |
| Conflict: | a prisoner caught by a gendarme. |
| Confucius: | flowers grown by a prisoner. |
| Confused: | death-row prisoner the second after the switch is thrown. |
| Confusion: | 1. a prison riot 2. (n) nuclear physics experiments conducted (sic) by criminals |
| Connecticut: | after I slice the end of my finger off. |
| Connive: | prisoner's eating implement |
| Consanguinity (n): | state of a prisoner's blood-doning capability. |
| Conscience (thingy): | 1. The principles used by the successful grifter. 2. The advantages of using a systematic study of the nature and behaviour of the material and physical universe. |
| Conscript: | a begging letter. |
| Consequence: | a chain gang. |
| Conservatory: | Jeffrey Archer's ISP. |
| Conserve: | a prisoner's ISP. |
| Conserving: | doling out slop to prisoners. |
| Consider: | to spend years repenting one's crime. |
| Considerable: | criminal's unruly entourage. |
| Consign: | mask, striped jersey, bag marked "SWAG". |
| Conspicuous (thinghy): | a racial slur directed at a prison inmate. |
| Constable: | in prisons, what a lot of the inmates gather around. |
| Constitution: | prison rules |
| Construe: | 1. Queen's (State's) evidence 2. to litter the ground with prisoners. |
| Contact: | not mentioning to a fellow prisoner that he has spinach on his teeth. |
| Contango: | a dance to the Music of Time. |
| Contemplate: | 1. produce identi-kit picture of how you think a crook looks 2. overtime at the Scrubs Secretarial Agency. |
| Contempt: | worked for the Scrubs Secretarial Agency. |
| Contingent: | Ned Kelly |
| Contrapuntal: | Guerrilla river crossing. |
| Control: | a short, ugly inmate. |
| Controlling: | sending provocative articles to prison newsgroups. |
| Controvesially: | in a manner that is against containers. |
| Contusion: | injury sustained in a prison riot. |
| Conundrum (n): | the mystery of how Sister Joan and Sister Esther got to be so good at playing the bongos. |
| Conurbation: | filling the country with crooks. |
| Convalescence: | a stay in the prison hospital. |
| Convenience: | the toilet in a prison cell. |
| Converse (n): | 1. a fraudulent adverse 2. to feel a strong like or inclination 3. poetry written for the prison newspaper 4. Weller and iller prisoner. |
| Conversion: | 1. becoming a completely different kind of crook 2. the identifying number assigned to a release of pirated software 3. a strong like or inclination. |
| Conviction: | guilty verdict. |
| Coontent (n): | a temporary canvas structure in which raccoons live. |
| Copies: | police cadets. |
| Copulative verb (n.phr): | a verb that will almost always fuck your first attempts at learning grammatical object and subject. |
| Corollary: | a Toyota dealership. |
| Countdown: | the removal of a certain nobleman (see Circumcision, Deduction, Discount, Regicide). |
| Countercultural (n): | an agent which inhibits the growth of bacteria. |
| Counterfeiters: | workers who put together kitchen cabinets. |
| Cowboy: | a bovine with a gender issue discrepancy. |
| Coyote (adjectival-thingy): | a shy grain. |
| Cranial: | displaying the traits of a master criminal. |
| Crap: | street shanties. |
| Crash: | a skin disease caused by exposure to 5 GHz microwaves. |
| Craveat Emptor: | buyer of the necktie (e.g. of the gods). |
| Creating: | despising native Americans. |
| Creche: | a car accident in Knightsbridge. |
| Cricket (n): | a game in which most of the matches seem to be tests, but no team is good enough to pass, as they have to play more test matches the following season. |
| Croissant: | something to rest your coffee on. |
| Cross product: | An angry jar of Marmite (tm). |
| Cross-dresser (n): | 1. someone who is attempting to don clothes that don't fit. 2. Roman who makes scarecrows. |
| Crosspost: | a flame. |
| Crossposted: | 1. submitted to a newsgroup while the writer was feeling angry and irritable 2. a guy named Theodore who does the above. |
| Crossword Puzzle: | Damn! How did that happen? |
| Crossword: | 1. Damn! 2. Crossword: green. 3. Crossword: lama. |
| Cryptorchid: | place to hide one's flowers before the vasectomist arrives. |
| Cunnilingus: | a clever Irish feller. |
| Cunnilingus: | a clever Irish feller. |
| Curvette (thinghy): | a small arc. |