| Habitually (adv): | whilst wearing clothing or vestments. |
| Habitually (adv): | whilst wearing clothing or vestments. |
| Haroldry: | the study of people named Harold. |
| Hazard: | an old man's wish. |
| Head Master: | character with considerable competence in creating cranial copies. |
| Head: | crap repository. |
| Headlights: | 1. visible representation of good ideas 2. shipboard pan-hitting aids 3. Cut-price, prematurely-terminated oral 'administrations' in Amsterdam. |
| Hebrew: | 1. a Jewish tea bag 2. exceedingly strong tea. |
| Hegel: | young lady made while the sun shines. |
| Heindl: | 1. an upper class doorknob. 2. the end a South African picks up a saucepen. |
| Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle: | You never know what you're going to see in Apihna. |
| Hence (n pl): | female chickence. |
| Heroes: | what a guy in a boat does. |
| Herring: | piece of jewellery (or jewelry) adorning a labial piercing (not to be confused with hering). |
| Heterosexual: | committing adultery. |
| Hindsite: | the a website for anal fetishists. |
| Hinterleckshules: | leckshules who live in the economic catchment area of a large city. |
| Hip Replacement: | finding a groovier 85-year-old date than the one you had last week. |
| Hippies (n.pl.): | cool pastries, man! |
| Hippocracy: | government by a horse. |
| Hippopotamocracy (n): | a form of government in which the supreme power is exercised by a large, chiefly aquatic mammal. |
| Hirsute: | hat ecallaW kraM would never dream of wearing. |
| Hobbit: | item of collectors' paraphernalia. |
| Hockey: | a Rhine-stoned cowboy. |
| Hogwort (n): | a small wildflower growing on the back of a pig. |
| Holistic (n): | 1. Festive Christmas decoration. 2. The Pope's cane. |
| Homophone (n): | an electrical device for communicating with others of the same sex. |
| Homosexual: | faithful to one's spouse. |
| Hoodwink: | the time it takes Bruce Wayne to change into his Batman costume. |
| Hooh! Aah! (n): | onomatopoeic sound of men working on a chain gang. |
| Hoosier Round: | a bullet from Doctor Jones's gun. |
| Horiscope (n): | see endoscope. |
| Horology: | wanna spend some time? |
| Horrible (n): | a gas-filled, flying prostitute. |
| Horrid (adj): | relating to the darker side of the vice squad. |
| Hotel (n.pr.): | devil. |
| Haitus: | Japanese poems written by someone with a cold. |
| Humdinger: | a Pavlovian bee. |
| Humphrey Bogart: | graffito found in a deodorised toilet stall. |
| Hyp-hen (n): | One mother of a groovy chick. |
| Hypocracy (wotsit): | 1. not saying what one means, due to imbibing too much mulled wine 2. (n) government by underachievers. |
| Hypoprosexia: | inability to focus brought on by lack of professionally-provided intercourse. |