| Painful: | settle one's credit card account each month. |
| Panhandle (v): | to become erect in a public place; viz. "I'm like _so_ embarrassed! When they frisked me at the airport I got panhandled!" |
| Panorama: | a cooking supply extravaganza. |
| Paprika: | dad's been at the baked beans again. |
| Parabolic (adj): | A kind of, um, metabolism. Yeah. |
| Parabolica: | When that doctor squeezes too tightly. |
| Parabolics (n): | what takes only one doctor to examine. |
| Paradox (n): | 2 quays. |
| Paradoxical (adj): | pertaining to or having the quality of quays that are not quays. |
| Parboil: | cannibal recipe. |
| Parentheses: | young tree about to pass on father's knowledge in Middle Earth. |
| Parenthesis: | dissertation on genealogy. |
| Parse (v.t): | hat speakers with received pronunciation do with the sote. |
| Parsnip: | 1. father's drop of brandy 2. The reason I have no younger siblings. |
| Parson: | 1. a twin boy 2 (wotsit): an average child. |
| Partake: | steal somebody's father. |
| Party Life: | insurance policy in the former USSR. |
| Passivator: | a spud that just doesn't care any more. |
| Peat: | to do only once. |
| Pedant: | an insect which has lost its driving license due to poor use of hand-signals. |
| Pedantic: | a clever move of the feet. |
| Pedantic (n): | 1. Clever use of a skateboard. 2. Movements made by a person crossing a street on foot, attempting to avoid autos. |
| Peerage (n): | anger at finding a dog has urinated on your copy of Burke's |
| Peer pressure: | 1. walking through Soho 2. how a seat in the House of Lords feels 3. what a urinal experiences. |
| Pentameter (n): | device used to measure how fraught one is feeling. |
| Penult: | an ult who writes |
| Penultimate: | what an exhausted stud-swan yearns to reach. |
| Perimeter (n): | device to tell you if your champagne is the Real Thing. |
| Persiflage: | (n)1. A disguise. 2. (v): (to a mime) how, with the face, to represent anal insertion of an imaginary vegetable. |
| Perverse (adv): | how a poet is paid. |
| Pharaoh Hound (excl): | "Tut! An' come on!" |
| Phentermine: | a marshland that has valuable mineral deposits. |
| Phil Lip: | Duke of Edinburgh. |
| Philanderer (n): | a native of the country which is shaped like a Greek letter. |
| Philistine (excl.): | brusque British tourist's request to a German bar tender. |
| Philology: | words of love |
| Philosophy: | love, oh so love. |
| Phlegm: | the cause of bad breath in dragons. |
| Phobic: | frightened of biros. |
| Phonetics (doodah): | (Irish) talking politely when using electronic telecommunications equipment. |
| Phonograph (n): | a person's signature sent by fax, ex. "I require your authorisation for the order -- can I have your phonograph please?" |
| Phonology (n): | the ability to tell who are your enemies simply by listening to their voices. |
| Phylactery (n): | udder love. |
| Phyllo Dough (n): | The root of all evil. |
| Pier Pressure: | "Come to Brighton with us. You know you'll love it, really. Come on, it'll be great!" |
| Pilgrim: | how children feel about taking medications -- especially when they taste bad. |
| Pillow: | a failed attempt to swallow a large foreign object. |
| Pine: | a tree with a lingering, nostalgic desire. |
| Pistol(n): | a fee for the use of a public restroom. |
| Piston: | the result of 14 pints of lager. |
| Plagiarist (n): | Anopheles mosquito. |
| Plankton: | weight of a very heavy, narrow bridge. |
| Plant Life: | factory insurance policy. |
| Plateau (n): | A flat philospher. |
| Plutocracy: | dogged stupidity. |
| Pocket Editions (v): | What thieves do in book shops. |
| Polite: | 1. bedside lamp. 2. Teletubby bedside lamp. |
| Polosing: | 1. to perform a vocal concert while/whilst wearing pullover shirts. 2. a vocal performance while sucking a small mint. 3. the note attained by blowing through the hole of said confection. |
| Polycarbonate: | 1. A tough, clear plastic used to make football helmets, capacitors, and bird cages. 2. avian antacid. |
| Polyfiller: | high-calorie parrot food. |
| Polygamous (adj): | Having multiple calves. |
| Polygamy (n): | 1. A well-hung dead parrot. 2. A froup of assorted pygmies. |
| Polygon: | deceased parrot. |
| Polymer: | nautical parrot |
| Polynesia (n): | Loss of memory about parrots. |
| Polynomial (adj): | 1. referring to that custom among certain parrot societies to give ceremonial names to tribal elders. 2. (n) threat to a noisy parrot. |
| Pomeranian: | Briton resident in Australia. |
| Pond Life: | insurance policy exclusively for the French. |
| Poodle: | pooper-scooper for dogs with diarrhoea. |
| Pornocoptery (v): | Taking feelthy peectures while hovering. |
| Portent: | temporary refuge for the under-privileged. |
| Posthumous Postings: | pretty powerful paranormal phenomena. |
| Post mortem: | The Royal Mail is on strike again. |
| Post-Natal Depression: | 1. a dent left in the ground by a dropped baby 2. a dent left in the head of a baby dropped on the ground 3. the realisation that one's wife was too friendly with the mailman. |
| Postnegative: | 1. a letter containing bad news. 2. see Cathode. 3. a pit. |
| Potater (n): | a spud belonging to a Teletubby. Synonyms: lalatater, dipsytater, tinky-winky-tater. |
| Pre-Natal Depression: | sadness experienced before setting off for South Africa. |
| Preserve: | the days before the internet. |
| Presidency: | a capitol offence in the United States. |
| Prestidigitation: | the act of having one's finger on the button. |
| Prestidigitator: | A journalistic spud (v. small) capable of slight of hand. |
| Priapic (n): | the embarrassing photograph before the treatment took effect – or, in this day and age, after the treatment took effect. |
| Priest: | happy Japanese. |
| Procreation (n): | 1. the act of being paid to make babies. 2. The process of taking a human creature made up largely of muscle with little or no viable brain tissue, and turning it into a professional sports figure. |
| Prodigious: | 1. excessively devout but not Catholic (N. Ireland) 2. gifted in getting the attention of another party with a well-aimed index finger 3. in favor of excavation 4. in support of fingers. |
| Profiterole (adv): | Courtesan's financial objective. |
| Profligate (n): | a Japanese ship acceptable for use in shipping. |
| Proliferate (n): | amount paid to buy a vote from an anti-abortionist. |
| Pronoun (n): | distinction in the oldest profession. |
| Pronouncement (n): | a declaration that you and I will stick together. |
| Property (thingy): | what you might drink in India, China or Ceylon. |
| Protection racket: | noise made by a very squeaky condom. |
| Provision: | a beautiful whore. |
| Pulitzer Prize (n): | a chicken dish, notable chiefly for the delicacy of its portions in comparison to the picture on the menu. |
| Punctilious: | as attentive to minor details as Matilda, the juvenile delinquent. |
| Punctuation (n): | a Sex Pistols performance. |
| Punitive Damages: | penalty for unfunny remarks. |
| Pyrexia (oojamafluff): | 1. Eating disorder, characterised by eating too many casseroles. 2. a rise in a person's temperature usu. due to excitment of a forthcoming casserole dish exhibition. 3. The crime of hitting a king with the old custard flan joke. |